June 6, 2016

On Linear Progression, or Lack Thereof

If I could find a way to turn this blog into something with a clear purpose, or if I could discover my niche and stick to that, I promise I would.  But I've been dabbling for years now and a perceptible pattern has yet to develop.  So you get to hear personal junk!  You're welcome.

I think a lot about linear progress and whether or not that term applies to my life.  Similar to my blog, my life either had a pattern - long ago - and has since lost it, or it has never had a pattern at all, and only vaguely represents a semblance of progression.

When I graduated high school, I truly perceived my life to be moving somewhat linearly.  I was checking off the Growing Up To-Do List.  Everything looked like it was going in order, and I felt like I was on my way to becoming a Successful Adult.  My life seemed to have structure, even a plot, the way all good stories do.  But over the fall, a bunch of things quickly began to fall apart one by one, and by the end of 2013, anything I was sure of was suddenly scrambled and turned on its head.

Since then, nothing has fallen into place as easily as it did for the first 18 years of my life.  Anxiety that's been kept at bay for a couple of years has come back hard, and birthdays seem to come faster and faster, life continuing on full speed ahead and leaving me in the lurch.  I wish I could be like, "Hey, this story has a happy ending!  It's just like a movie where everything gets all confused and knotted up in the middle but everything makes sense at the end!"  That's not true, though, yet.  To use some art terminology, the course of my life has become abstracted, and on the worst days, possibly even non-objective.  But order must be coming.  Eventually, something has to click into place.

It's hard to trust God when nothing makes sense, but as confused as I am, I do know He has my life in His hands, and that he sees things from a perspective better than mine.  For now, I'm just doing life one tiny, tiny step at a time and trying not to go crazy from boredom, loneliness, confusion, anxiety, uselessness, and whatever else.  As Anna Duggar said in an interview once, I want to "just do the next right thing. Have the next right response for the next 15 minutes," and stop getting caught up so much in my terrifying perception of how I see the bigger picture right now.

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