September 14, 2016

sunshine n rainbowz

To say that my posts are few and far-between would be an understatement... Yikes.  I guess I like just knowing that it's here, though, if I ever want to word vomit somewhere other than people's ears.

Also if you're reading this hey you're probably lost!  Like what are you doing here, I never post, but welcome.  I'm just going to get uncomfortably personal here, you've been warned, lol.

So my last post was 3(!) months ago and some plans have changed since then; I'm not able to go to the school I was planning on attending due to various factors which is.  Fine.  But at first I was like "Really, God?  I go to all the trouble and stress of starting a new educational endeavor and the week before I'm supposed to start everything dissolves?"  I don't understand what I'm supposed to do.  I went full-steam ahead with all green lights and guidance and confirmation and bldlkwjfjkldfst there it goes down the drain, starting from scratch.  And really I'm saying this just to show you that I am making decisions that I don't understand, but that I'm trusting God about.  I look forward to being at a place where I can remember this season and realize "OHHHH that's why that happened!"  Because right now it's more like "Ohhhhhhhh no."

I had PLANS, guys.  I was going to be working part time, going to school full time, busy busy, getting things done, moving on.  But now I'm just working part time.  Leaving me with ample free time to do... What?  I have no idea.  I am trying to fill my days in a God-honoring way.  I'm finding things to do.  But I just feel stuuuuuck as anything and if you could read my mind you'd just see a series of ?????????????????

Bizarre.  Biiiiizarre, going a little crazy.  Honestly I think the biggest reason for the anxiety I feel about how things are going this semester is that I'm embarrassed.  I am so distressed when people ask me "So what do you do?" (meaning, what's your job, what's your major, what productive things do you do with your time?) because in my head I'm like "WELL right now I'm working a couple days at a library, and I'm also constantly depressed!  What about you?" whatever, cool.

Anyway what I've been doing to kind of stave off the feeling of immense purposelessness is to set monthly goals for myself, which is going... well (shockingly).  I've been doing it all summer, since April or May - I've set specific goals about things on my to-do list, as well as more general goals about things I want to improve.

I'm focusing on improving different skills: I play ukulele but I wanna get go0d and hey I have plenty of time to practice, I am relearning HTML/CSS, I am helping make a website for my mom's homeschool sports organization, I am reading a lot, brushing up on Spanish, etc. etc.  AND this month I have committed myself to a 2 week trial of making healthy food choices (I cut out dairy and fast food) and going to the gym (just to walk/jog on the treadmill for like half an hour).  Usually I would make absurdly ambitious goals like "STARTING TOMORROW I AM NEVER EATING BAD FOOD AGAIN AND I WILL GO TO THE GYM EVERY DAY AND RUN FOR FIVE MILES AND WORK OUT" and then fall short and get disappointed and burnt out and fall into bad habits.  So if I can get on the treadmill like every other day and eat mostly healthy for 2 weeks, I don't think I'll get burnt out, I'll probably feel great and want to keep doing it and see what else I can do to make good choices. (The incentive for me to finish this is if I'm happy with how the 2 weeks went, I'll go out after payday and get real running shoes.)
Idk how to end this post.  Haha but yeah that's basically my life right now, good times, lol.

Deep down I'm taking on faith that this is just negative things I'm saying to myself - I know from experience and I know from the Bible that I don't know everything and I am prone to mistakes and things have reason and it's not like God forgot about me even if it feeeeels like that.  When things were going well I accepted the truths in the Scripture and the things God has spoken to me through my life, and now is the time for me to HOLD ON to that and that's faith, that's what faith is I guess.  I think CS Lewis kind of says what I mean in Mere Christianity: "Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.”

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