January 19, 2017

when & why i started this blog

I recently took a look at my oldest posts on this blog, just out of curiosity.  It's been around for about 2 years and 3 months.  If this blog was a child it would be able to walk and talk; thankfully this blog is not a child, since I neglect it for months at a time.

Anyway, I wanted to revisit my purpose for this blog, and maybe check out what's been going on in my life over that time, including some goofy selfies for illustrative purposes. ;)


This picture makes me miss my pixie cut...

So here's me around the time I started this blog on October 28, 2014.  If you've ever looked at my Blogger profile, you'll notice that I've been on Blogger much longer - since January 2008.  This blog is not my first rodeo, folks!  I began blogging when I was almost 13.  I'll never open that blog to the public, but a couple of years ago, I gave a peek into the kind of posts I wrote: "So I had a blog in middle school."  I was active on that blog (it boasts 379 posts, more than 2/3rds of them from 2008) until October 24, 2011.

Looking back, the time between October 24, 2011 and October 28, 2014 were the longest 3 years of my life!  It seems almost impossible that such a short amount of time was filled with so much change, growth, and teenage angst.  The years since have flown by.  Time is such a strange concept.


I don't remember what got me back into blogging.  In the fall of 2014, I was in my 3rd semester of college.  I recall stumbling upon some modest fashion blogs over the summer and getting hooked: here's a post I wrote about it in retrospect: "I built the Tower of Babel."  It wasn't the highest point in my spiritual life, but it did teach me some valuable lessons, and this combined with being low-key lonely mayyyyy be what got me blogging again.  But who knows?!  I'm not some kind of psychoanalyst.  :P  I'm proud of my first "real" post on my blog: "Hot fudge sundae, please.  Hold the lemon juice."  I like remembering working at an ice cream store, and the lessons I learned. Colossians 4:5 is still my "mission" when it comes to working: “Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.”


I love the sweater I'm wearing in the picture and I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE.

Two-thousand and fifteen was a year of pretty consistent blogging for me!  I tried a lot of different things: I wrote devotional-style anecdotes, book reviews, life updates.  This kind of matches up with my outlook at the time: I was searching - desperately - for a purpose.  I felt a little bit like I was floundering for a while (yup, I wrote about it too: "To the Christian who is floundering.")  I was trying to see if something stuck; if my reason for existing would suddenly make sense.

I don't know if I can articulate the change in my mindset that happened over that year.  It's probably something you'd have to live out to understand.  I guess what's important is that the change did happen.  Rather than change my circumstances, God changed me.  My biggest battles have always taken place in my mind in one way or another, so it makes sense that this is where I had an overhaul.  Sure, I still struggle with a sense of purposelessness and anxiety, but it's a battle I'm better equipped to handle now.


I took a nice long break from blogging, and then I came back out of NOWHERE to talk about my favorite "beauty products" after a family vacation to Florida ("May Favorites | Summer Sun Essentials"), and again in June to have an existential crisis when literally ALL MY PLANS fell through and I was just like ???????????


So I vented and then came back over the fall to try my hand at... lifestyle blogging?  Listen, I gave it a shot, posted about how healthy and active I was being, wrote up goals for the month, etc., but honestly at the time I was devoting my time to Instagram and liked that better because of how quick it was.  (I even thought about deleting this blog.  I'm glad I didn't!)

I kind of liked it, though.  I liked the vague accountability I had when I posted my goals online.  I might do that a little more this year.



At this point, I've decided this blog doesn't have to be anything specific anymore.  I've always wanted it to have a purpose; that people would have a reason to come here, to stay, to read what I have to say.  But I've gotten over myself and realized that I'm better at just letting a blog be an extension of my brain.

All along, I was trying to write things that I thought people would want to read.  I put so much pressure on myself to write about relatable, inspirational topics and find a niche that fit, so that I could maybe possibly find an audience or community that cared about what I had to say.  I wanted to be disciplined, structured, professional; it was never like that when I was 13 and writing the randomest crap and I loved it so much more than trying so hard to be something I'm not!  I think this year might be a return to that.  Is it alright if I write the randomest crap?

Of course it is, because it's not about you anymore.  ;)  (No offense.)  It's about turning me and my life into pixels and sending them out to the Internet; a shout into the void.  For all I know, this blog will never be more than that, and I want to embrace it.  If my online presence is never anything more than me, alone, in this little corner of the Internet, I'll be happy.

1 comment:

  1. You couldn't have summed up why you are blogging now any better. I love how you have gone through all the years you have blogged and have come back to blog about what you want without the care of others. Those are some of the strongest blogs. Looking forward to more posts!